When Leaders Speak Out on Social Issues

One of the hardest parts of being an effective leader right now is speaking out on social issues. Choosing to speak out or not to requires striking the right balance of courage and humility, between discipline and heart. It requires balancing competing interests of different constituencies, some very loud, some often quiet.

Increasingly over the last few years I've coached many leaders on how to find the right balance for them and for their companies in speaking out. It's hard, and it's different for every company and every leader. There is no single owners manual or playbook for when to speak out on matters of conscience and to put the weight of your company behind your words.

At a recent gathering of top communications and marketing professionals that I was a part of, this topic was one of the most-discussed challenges all of us is dealing with. Many communications leaders struggle with how and when their leaders should speak out on everything from elections to the war in Ukraine, to anti-semitism, racism and sexism, especially when more employees and customers are vocal about wanting their leaders to speak out.

Speak out in the right moments.... and you may make a positive impact on a hard situation. You may engender a powerful sense of connection and goodwill among your employees, customers, and consumers. You may set a good example for others to follow. 

Speak out poorly, or in the wrong moments (or too frequently)...and you may water down the impact you can have. You may alienate employees, customers, and consumers. With words that seem empty, you may hurt your brand.

Some leaders have developed detailed decision matrices or complex playbooks for how to do this. These may help justify decisions and insulate yourself from criticism. But for leaders themselves, using your platform and your voice is still very personal and a matter of personal conscience.  

At the end of the day, THE DECISION TO SPEAK OUT AND KNOWING WHAT TO SAY BOILS DOWN TO THREE QUESTIONS: 

FIRST: Does this situation relate directly to one of our core competencies?  

• Do we have credibility on this set of issues because of the services our company provides and the industries we work in, or because of our experience and background?

• Is this something we have competency in, and is there a way we can use a statement in a way that showcases our competency?

• This is not about showing off, but it's about choosing when to have an impact because you have credibility on a set of issues.

• If you speak out on issues related to your competency, you have credibility with your audience, more likely to have a positive impact, and it's less likely you'll seem opportunistic. The impact of your words will be greater. And you minimize the risk of criticism that you're just picking and choosing which issues to support or not, often based in some kind of bias.

SECOND: Is there a way we can be helpful, or of service, in this situation?

• Are we speaking out just to speak out, or is there something we can do as a company to be of service to help make this situation better?

• Words are important, but so are actions. Is there something we are doing that you can share with your employees, customers, and consumers? Too often companies are criticized for paying lip service and not much else. These actions should be genuine and consistent with your core competency.

THIRD: When I do speak, how can I be as human and relatable as possible? 

• Make the language you use as simple and clear as possible.

• When you speak based on a competency or personal experience, it's much more likely you'll know what the right thing to say is because it relates to something you've thought about.

• Be as open, personal, and vulnerable as you can.

• Be brief. What is the one big idea or feeling you want to convey?

World Mental Health and Wellness Day

Running my own company for the last four-plus years, and working alone, I've seen that it can be lonely and challenging. Especially when most of my work revolves around helping others with their (your) challenges, often I have de-prioritized working on my own.

There are times when I've experienced worry and angst, and questioned whether I made the right choice or am really supporting my clients in the ways I hope to.

There are days of way too much work, and others of not nearly enough. There are sleepless nights. There are days of anxiety and worry.

But I've learned that to prioritize my overall well being I need to meditate regularly, exercise daily, and rely on good connections with good people. That includes coaching and therapy of my own.

And it includes being ok with the ups and downs and trying to take each day as it is, while also exploring new opportunities beyond this chapter.

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Today is #worldmentalhealthday2022, and the theme for 2022, set by the World Federation for Mental Health, is "Make mental health and wellbeing for all a global priority."

Making mental health and wellbeing a priority begins with communication. Listening -- to yourself and to others. And it continues with talking about it openly.

Too often mental health takes a backseat to "impact" and "output" and "doing" and "performing." The last two years have shown us that those leaders who prioritize mental wellbeing in their teams and for themselves have happier teams, more productive teams, and do better work -- because people can be more fully themselves.
 

Mental health is so important. And I hope today everyone can take a minute to reflect on their own mental wellness and consider what you can do to support yourself and others, especially during super trying times.

Consider sharing your story, and please let me know how I can support you in your own wellness.

Presenting with Confidence and Authenticity

More of us are back to gathering in person for work than at any time since before the pandemic, especially at larger conferences and gatherings. These gatherings often involve presentations of some form.  Yet employee engagement surveys and feedback often shows many of us aren't as good at giving them as we could be.

Presentations are one of the more important and powerful communications channels we use at work. This is especially true now as many companies are undergoing significant change and restructuring. 

Over the last few months, I've been doing an increasing amount of training and coaching leaders on how to give effective presentations, including for many of the presenters at this week's Dreamforce conference in San Francisco. Presentations are a primary and powerful communications format -- whether given in-person or virtually -- that we often overlook in a time of email, Slack, and Zoom.

So I want to share my secret with you: the best presentations are ones where you're as human as you can be. The less scripted and more personal, the simpler and more confident, you can be...the better. 

Of course that comes only as a result of a lot of work and preparation. A failure to prepare means not only that you have lost your audience, but also, likely, you've made it harder for people to find you persuasive and want to hear more from you in the future. Yikes!

The good news: giving an effective presentation requires a lot of preparation -- and not just rehearsing a script.  AND...there are some good ways to help you prepare to ensure you speak with confidence, clarity, and authenticity. 

Presentation preparation begins with understanding that a presentation is meant to move people to feel or do something differently than they've done before.

Presentations are at their core, emotional. 

How else to prepare? A few tips:

• Know your audience. Anticipate and understand as well as you can: What are their worries, fears, pain points? What motivates them?

• What's the single big idea or purpose you're trying to convey? Write it down in a single sentence.

• Lead with you, not your slides. You're the expert people want to hear from. Let the slides be additive, but not your script.

• What are the stories you can tell that support your single purpose? Stories motivate and inspire and connect.

• Use a call to action. Tell people what you want them to do differently or feel differently.

• Conclude well. Don't miss an opportunity to remind people about your key ideas and to leave them with a strong feeling.

• Practice. There are lots of ways to practice -- with a timer, with an audience, and different ways to practice turning your script into a plan -- so you come across as more human.

I cover these and more in my workshop The Power of Persuasion: 10 Steps to Effective Presentations and in the coaching work I've been doing. There are a lot of resources out there, and a lot of trainings (many not great) but I've put together some of my best lessons learned into an interactive workshop where you get real time feedback and coaching on top of learning some new skills that maybe you've not had before.

If you're interested to learn more, reach out and let's find a time to chat.  I've learned that this is one of the places even the most powerful, successful, and accomplished leaders need some practice, and I am happy to help where I can. 

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WHAT I'M READING
Occasionally in these newsletters, I share articles and books that may be of interest. A couple new items you may be interested in:

• The Unexpected Power of Random Acts of Kindness. New research shows small gestures matter even more than we may think.

• The Dubious Wisdom of Smart Brevity." The Axios founders' new book makes the case for condensed communication in an increasingly complex world. It begs the question whether brief is always better, or whether there's more we should consider.

Preventative Communication

So many of the challenges we experience when communicating come from the singular place where we feel like we aren't understood by the person we're communicating with -- or we don't understand them. 

And often, those challenges are rooted in assumptions we are making, often unconsciously, about where the other person might be coming from or how they might be feeling. We can't expect other people to read our minds, especially when we are going through tough and stressful times, yet that's often exactly what we do.

This is where we need to engage in something called "preventative" communication -- taking the initiative to share where you are and how you're feeling -- proactively.

Earlier this year, I wrote about the power of the "Check In" to help normalize doing this for your teams and for yourself. Preventative communication is another way of coming at the same concept. Being attuned to, and naming, how you are feeling and where you're coming from saves time and eliminates a huge number of unnecessary hard conversations -- not because you avoid them, but because you have them before they become hard.

A poet, writer, and modern philosopher I love, Yung Pueblo, who writes often about inter-personal relationships recently wrote about "preventative communication." And while this concept is useful in personal relationships, it's also useful at work. 

He writes:

"Preventative communication can help stop unnecessary arguments in a relationship. When you take the time to let your partner know where you are in your emotional spectrum (meaning if you feel down, sad, happy, short tempered, etc.) it helps you both have the information you need to support each other well that day.

"You don’t always need to be asked “how do you feel today?” In fact, volunteering the information, especially when you are going through turbulent emotions, can be so helpful to the both of you. It helps you admit to yourself what emotions are currently passing through you and it helps your partner know when you are going through a tough moment. This level of communication can uplift self-awareness and help cut down on projecting your turbulent emotions onto your partner. Creating a culture of communication between the two of you will not only welcome in vulnerability but it will also help you remain flexible in the ways you show each other loving support.

"What you need one day may be quite different from the next. It is important to not expect your partner to read your mind, they simply can’t do that."

Think about this in your own communications at work and at home. Let me know what you think and how it works for you.

Ghosting: Why it's Bad and How to Fix It

When I was researching and writing Honestly Speaking a few years ago, I knew I wanted to talk about ghosting, especially "professional ghosting." It's that situation where you're in communication with someone and one person just stops engaging. Like a ghost, they disappear without any explanation. And I talked about why it's bad for a whole bunch of reasons.

But in my research, I couldn't find any meaningful studies that talk about why people do it, and more important, the effects ghosting has on all of us.

Now there is one. Wesleyan University Psychology professor Royette Dubar recently shared the research results of a study of the effects of ghosting on young adults. In a recent Washington Post article, Professor Dubar summarizes her research, which includes a few particularly interesting points for us as leaders thinking about how we communicate and lead, and particularly if we work with recent college graduates:

• Lack of communications skills at the root. Many people admit to ghosting because they lack the necessary communications skills to have honest conversations, regardless of whether it's an in-person conversation or via email or text. In fact, some of the people in the study reported ghosting because they didn't want to hurt the other person's feelings -- and so better to say nothing at all, than to have the honest conversation.

• Negative consequences on the "ghoster" and "ghostee." Research points to negative consequences on mental and emotional health for ghosting. As Prof. Dubar writes: "Short term, many of those ghosted felt overwhelming rejection and confusion. They reported feelings of low self-worth and self-esteem. Part of the problem is the lack of clarity — not knowing why communication abruptly stopped. Long term, our study found many of those ghosted reported feelings of mistrust that developed over time. Some bring this mistrust to future relationships."

• Long term negative effects for work and leadership. Research also shows that for those who DO the ghosting, they may end up having growth and the ability to work effectively stunted over time. Here the theory is that ghosting starts to become a habit -- a way of engaging with and communicating with others, as though it's really the only way to deal with others in moments of conflict or when things are hard.

All of the findings in this research underscore how important it is that we equip people in the workplace with the skills to communicate effectively -- especially to deliver and receive feedback honestly, and to manage conflict resolution effectively. Simply disappearing or avoiding feedback or conflict is the quickest way to a toxic work environment.

Simply telling someone not to ghost doesn't do the trick. This research shows the motivations behind it and the lack of skills to manage are critical in communicating better over time.

A few points from my own coaching and communications work may be helpful to keep in mind here:

• Being clear and direct is respectful. Being indirect is disrespectful. When we ghost, or are indirect because we are worried about hurting someone else's feelings, it's really a triple negative: first, the other person has to decipher what I'm trying to say and the meaning behind my vague statements or silence. Second, they have to manage their own emotional reaction to my ghosting or indirect communication, and they have to manage MY emotions -- because clearly I feel uncomfortable being direct or up front. Clear is kind, direct is respect.

• Especially in the professional context, thinking about communication as about relationship is really important. If you know you're in a long term relationship with the people you work with -- whether colleagues or outside consultants -- consider how your silence or disappearing may come across, and may affect your trust and credibility over the longer run. Rarely do we interact with people at work in one instance, never to see them again. More often, we come into contact with them over time, so the more we can consider how to interact with them regularly -- not to just disappear or ignore -- the better.

• When we have more skills and more practice communicating, we tend to have more confidence. Not only do we get better at communicating as thing we do, but we also develop new habits and feel more comfortable navigating situations that aren't super smooth or easy. Life and work occurs in the conflict and the awkward as much as in the smooth and pleasant. So why not learn to navigate these moments a bit more easily?

Ghosting has proliferated even since the pandemic. And we all owe it to ourselves to see that it comes from a place of toxicity and creates more toxicity. With communications skills, we can break the cycle and can all do a little bit better by each other.

If you or colleagues you know may be interested in exploring communications skills workshops this fall because you notice a lot of ghosting, or to help equip people with more skills in this area, please let me know. I'd be happy to chat about what that would look like.

Meetings: From Terrible to Masterful

We've all been in our fair share of terrible meetings. The meetings where we nod off, people are distracted or confused, maybe we are left wondering why we are even in the meeting, or what the point was to begin with.

As leaders, too often our meetings aren't as good as they can be because we haven't done enough of the work on the front end to think about how to make them useful and effective. 

Yet meetings are a primary way we communicate and get work done -- in person, virtually, or in a hybrid workplace. In a world of hybrid work, and during the moments of change many companies are going through right now, how we run these meetings has taken on increased importance.

I have done a lot of education with teams and leaders on how to run effective meetings, especially after the start of the pandemic, and I want to share some updated learnings with you. 

These tips apply to a range of meeting types, everything from 1:1 meetings with your manager to company all hands meetings.

First: 50 percent of the work of a meeting is done before the meeting itself.

Here are a few communication tips for organizing a successful meeting before it begins:

• Select the right audience. Who needs to be in the meeting? And who doesn't? Who is running the meeting? Who is a decision-maker in the meeting? Is someone taking notes? Be clear on everybody's purpose for being there.

• I like sorting the contents of meetings into two categories: nice to know and need to know. Make sure you are clear on what needs to be discussed in the meeting, and what you might be able to leave for another time or place.

• Select the right timing. Is this a regular update meeting or a one-time discussion? Is this the right time to have the meeting?

• Clarify the purpose. What’s the one reason for the meeting? Is it to check in and share regular updates? Is it to make a decision? Is it to help participants come away with information, a feeling, or an action plan?

• Determine and set the agenda. What do you need to discuss to drive to the outcome? Keep this list to three or fewer items.

• Share in advance the agenda so everyone is on the same page. I like an agenda that is consistent over time for regular meetings and that leads to clear takeaways and action steps at the end. Sometimes what you share in advance can be a short, written document you want people to read and have a chance to reflect on before the meeting itself.

Good agendas include the following:

• A clear statement of purpose for the meeting.

• A review of (or introductions for) meeting attendees.

• A review of takeaways from previous meetings.

• Discussion. Limit the discussion to two or three substantive issues. If you have more than two or three, it limits the ability to focus in on specific issues, and risks that you don't leave adequate time for the thorniest or most complex issues. Consider breaking the meeting into multiple sessions to devote adequate time to each topic. 

• A review of decision points and next steps.

• An opportunity for feedback or related issues to be raised.

Second: The other 50 percent of the work of a meeting is the actual meeting.

During the meeting:

• Follow the agenda. Review the entire agenda at the beginning so everyone knows where the meeting is headed, to help keep people on track and on time.

• Allow for sufficient discussion, including being aware of people on video conference or on the phone and giving space for those who are quieter or who might not speak up to be heard. This might include adding time for checking in with people on your team to build connection and camaraderie. 

• Review next steps and action plans, including owners of action steps. This should take place during the last five minutes of the meeting.

• Allow an opportunity to ask questions and raise other issues that haven’t yet been raised. I like the phrases “What am I missing?” or “Where am I wrong on this?” because they actively invite feedback and an opportunity for people to share what’s on their minds.

• Afterward, send out a follow-up summary of the meeting. When it’s in writing, it’s a lot easier for everyone to understand what happened and what next steps should be. Aim for being concise, using bullet points to summarize main points, and include a statement of when the next meeting is and what needs to happen before then.

And third: don't just have meetings to have meetings. Gathering with a purpose makes a lot of sense. Wasting people's time undermines your credibility with them and increases the chance they'll tune out at work. Be purposeful and intentional about your desired outcome for the meeting.
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2022 COMMUNICATIONS AND LEADERSHIP OPPORTUNITIES

• INTERNAL COMMS DURING TIMES OF CHANGE: I'm working with more and more companies that are working through downsizing, reorganizations, or other kinds of big changes. If you need consulting and executive coaching support, please don't hesitate to reach out. I am happy to help or to connect you with someone in my network who can.

• COMMUNICATIONS FOR LEADERS WORKSHOPS: I'm continuing to offer leadership coaching and two interactive workshops tailored for teams around Leadership Communication at Scale and Having and Managing Hard Conversations. These are a few hours long and can be done virtually or in-person.

Mindful Minutes

MINDFULNESS. A word that's used a lot these days, in many contexts, and with many meanings: everything from the basis for entire businesses and industries...to a particular type of meditation...even to ways we're told we should eat.. And often we're told "mindfulness" or "living mindfully" is good for us. 

Yet often mindfulness is a word we hear and we shut down. Maybe we don't think we have time for it, or it is just a concept we don't get, is overused, is opaque or overwhelming, or something we don't need. Or all of the above.

But here's the truth: we all need more mindful (read: aware, attuned) ways of working and living. Especially during times of rapid change.

And here's another truth: mindfulness isn't about creating a state of bliss. It isn't about doing. Or liking vs. disliking. It's not a destination, or a box to check. It's both incredibly simple and deceptively hard. Or maybe it's neither...it just is. Mindfulness is really just about paying attention.

In a world with more inputs competing for our attention, more stimuli on screens and devices than ever before -- or than our brains have really evolved to fully digest -- how and what we pay attention to is really important. 

It's important because when we pay attention, more often, more instinctually, we make better moment-to-moment decisions in how we lead and communicate.  We create space between stimulus and response. And in that space we're in a place of choice.

But it takes re-training our brain. 

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MINDFUL MINUTES
In my coaching and training work, I talk often with clients about the importance of what I've started calling a MINDFUL MINUTE.

You don't have to be formally trained in meditation or any fancy breathing techniques in order to reap the significant benefits of working and living in a more mindful way. All it takes is an interest in, and an ability to, try to sit for a minute or two quietly, and witness your breath. 

These short, simple MINDFUL MINUTES are about doing (nor not doing, more accurately) just three things:

• Sitting quietly and noticing your breath. The full breath, from the very first moment of an inhalation, to the very last moment of a complete exhalation. Focus on where you notice the sensation the most. Maybe your nostrils or your abdomen. First for just five minutes. Then maybe for longer.

• Noticing, observing, the thoughts that inevitably come up. We aren't trying to make the thoughts go away or to change them. Rather, we just simply notice them. What happens to them? Do they persist or subside? Observe them and then just go back to your breath.

• Notice that your breath cycle may deepen when you pay attention to it. Focusing on your breath means that for most of us, without even trying, a longer, deeper, fuller breath cycle starts to develop. Not short-changing your breath, which most of us do, but really taking full breaths calms the nervous system. It activates the "parasympathetic" nervous system, which controls in the quiet "rest and digest" moments of our life. It means we're better able to move through conflict or confusing situations with more clarity and precision, rather than being clouded by our initial reactions.

Can you give it a try? Just see what happens. Even if you meditate regularly. Right now. At your desk. Set the timer on your phone for two minutes or five minutes. Sit up tall, close your eyes, and pay attention your breath...and see what happens. Just see, without the need to achieve.

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You can do this any time during the day. And there's power in building a pattern of doing it daily. It's like training any other muscle in your body.

The more you do it, the more ingrained it gets and the stronger your "attention" muscle becomes. 

I like early in the day, and then I'm able to notice more of these moments throughout my day. I sometimes start to catch myself paying attention in random moments. And I start to see myself overall more aware of how I act, react, and speak.

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HOW WILL I KNOW IF IT'S WORKING?
Over time, you'll know if these mindful minutes (or any mindfulness practice) are working when a few things happen:

• You keep at it. You'll know it's working if and when you keep doing it. Whether 2 minutes or 20 minutes. You keep at it because you can and you value it. Not because you "get" or "achieve" anything but because of how you move through your life paying better attention.

• When you start not to be so taken by external events and crises. You may start to see that these events, comments, or external circumstances are not what create our suffering...but rather it's our reactions to these things that creates the suffering.  

• When you're in a moment of stress or crisis and you fall back on your ability to observe mindfully what's happening...you know this is working.

WHY SHOULD I TRY MINDFUL MINUTES?

• If you feel burnt out, stressed, or out of control, you realize that this is one of the things you CAN control -- how you react to the world around you.

• When you live life more mindfully, you're able to communicate with more clarity, confidence and authenticity. And you're able to lead more with heart and mind in sync, rather than by fear or habit.

• Mindfulness is at the root of leading with heart and mind, and of communicating more effectively. It's about putting us back into a place of control, where many of us get stressed because we feel out of control.

MINDFULNESS SUPPORT FOR YOU
The world right now needs more leaders who are mindful of how they show up and communicate, and who can help support their teams in working more mindfully. I've spent years in my own practice, and in learning, studying, and being trained in various aspects of mindfulness for my entire adult life. I've worked on mindfulness training with everyone from on-duty police officers to senior executives and political leaders, and youth, on basic breathing and mindfulness -- because I've seen how well it works.

If you or your organization are interested in bringing essential, easy-to-adopt mindfulness practices into your workplace, let's talk. This is something I'm passionate about and would love to support you.

ACCESSIBLE MINDFUL RESOURCES I LOVE

• Waking Up. Meditation training, podcasts, and short lessons. Very accessible and thoughtfully produced for the modern householder and professional. They offer a free 7-day trial. 

• Insight Timer: Tons of free mindfulness offerings from teachers around the world. Useful for those wanting to explore different modalities. 

• Pema Chodron's book, How to Meditate: A Practical Guide to Making Friends With Your Mind. A short, accessible guide from one of the masters on how to approach meditation and mindfulness. I've recommended this book to many colleagues and friends.

Communicating Better in Hard Work Situations

I've managed my fair share of hard work situations -- both legitimate crises and manufactured ones -- and hard conversations on everything from team dynamics to hard performance feedback.

I want to share some of the lessons I've learned about how to navigate these hard situations better through my work with current clients and in several jobs. It seems I'm sharing this guidance with clients a lot lately and want to share it with you:

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Many of the challenges we face at work -- made more complex by the challenges of hybrid work -- come from the difficulty we have communicating our ideas effectively and being heard by others.

When I get too wordy, in either speech or writing, it's a red flag to me that I haven't quite sorted out what I'm feeling or thinking. When I get nervous or anxious in a conversation, it's a red flag to me that I haven't unearthed my intent or my motives for me, for the other person, and for both of us.

So I need to get better at clarifying what I want to say and what I want people to hear. How do I want my audience to experience me? 

In crisis communications as much as in strategy reviews and performance conversations, how you communicate is often as important as what you do.

And so the clearer we are on what we want to communicate, and about how well our audience will receive what we are communicating, the better. In a crisis, it's important to be as clear-sighted and as human as possible.

At work, more than in many other contexts, making sure we are on the same page and aligned with the same strategy, goals, and outcomes is important.

But how? Here are some of my best practices for navigating communication when you're in a hard situation:

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Write it out. Writing things out as a regular discipline is helpful in many ways. Giving yourself the space to write out a problem will give you the chance to work through any emotions surrounding it and get to the real root of what is wrong and how to fix it. When you put pen to paper, the ideas in your head become concrete. Building the discipline of putting your ideas onto paper can force clarity and alignment and help you zero in on areas of conflict or disagreement. Especially in a crisis, if you’re struggling to agree on a particular issue or project, write it out. This makes sure everyone has a chance to react and get on, well, the same page. 

Respond Quickly. There’s usually a golden hour right after a crisis happens, especially in a social media environment. You should immediately ask yourself: “What would a reasonable person say here?” And then say it. This allows you to control the narrative and be seen as honest and empathetic. If you don’t know, say you don’t know. But leaving charges leveled against you or against others, or silence after something goes wrong, only allows others to develop stories about you, and it’s a lot harder to change people’s perceptions once they’re made. Balance not overreacting and not focusing too much on outrage. Being measured and thoughtful inspires confidence and empathy for your position. 

Focus on process. When we are invested in our work, it’s only natural that we will take the results of our work personally. In some ways, this is great. We should all feel like the work we do matters and care deeply about our impact. But when conflicts arise, and they will, it’s easy to let those emotions cloud our ability to problem-solve. Often we become defensive or, when presented with negative feedback, look for a problem in the person delivering the feedback. When communicating about an issue, compartmentalize and segment. Identify what is going well, what isn’t, and how to fix those things. Identify and agree on the issues you’re talking about, and go one by one.

Agree to disagree. No matter how much we’d love to convince everyone to see things our way, sometimes they won’t. And that is okay. Being able to agree to disagree and then let the issue go is imperative to a healthy work environment. If an issue arises and you’re unable to move on, then you will need to go back to the all-important task of self-reflection. What is really bothering you? Are you simply bored or frustrated you haven’t gotten your way? Do you have a pattern of quitting a job in a rage every time things get hard? Know when to move on—and be careful to determine whether a sticking point is critical to moving forward in your job or just an argument you’re trying to win. 

Focus on the bigger picture. Rarely do we go through a crisis or have a hard conversation with a stranger we'll never see again. Rather, we work with people we have ongoing relationships with -- and so it's important to ask ourselves what we want for the relationship over time. It can be tempting to make gossiping and venting a part of your day, no matter how unhealthy it is to the work culture. But the most successful teams don’t let this happen. Leaders are self-aware enough to know that behind one problem at work, another one arises. At its core, our job as a leader is about problem-solving, and our career will hopefully be a long one. So focus on what matters: the relationships we build and the path we setting for ourselves and our future. Try to get to a place of debate about facts and opinions rather than conflict around personalities or style as quickly and often as possible.

Speak slowly. Especially if you’re in a role where speaking is a big part of your job or you must repeat the same thing often (like a teacher, a clerk, a nurse, or a server), it’s super important to discipline yourself to speak slowly so the audience hears you. You’ll likely have a tendency to speak quickly because you know the recipe or the instructions by heart. But most people you’re speaking to are just hearing it for the first time—and since it’s not about what you say but about how they hear what you say, it’s your job to make sure they are hearing you. Make it seem like you’re talking with each person for the first time. Turn off the autopilot and engage directly with people as a person.

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Tell Me More About That...Empathy at Work

EMPATHY. It's a word that we hear a lot these days. Empathy is needed in positions of leadership especially during times of change, like right now, as people are changing jobs in record numbers and as we re-emerge in new ways after two years of the pandemic. Recent research suggests empathy is the most important leadership skill today.

Empathy has many definitions. Emotions researchers and psychologists tend to agree that empathy is an action or set of actions around our ability to recognize, understand, and share the thoughts of others.

In other words, empathy is about the other person. Empathy requires curiosity and care. It requires a capacity not to center ourself in the stories and narratives of others -- especially our colleagues. 

We want leaders who seek to understand us, our motivations and desires, and who don't just impute their own understandings, feelings, and motivations onto us. Leaders who seek, rather than assume.

A FAILURE OF EMPATHY (what some refer to as "the empathy crisis") in professional contexts results in outcomes that are often wrong and unproductive. Beyond wasting time and resources, outcomes stemming from a lack of empathy at work are demoralizing and demotivating to colleagues and others, and undermine our ability to find common ground and build trust and connection in the long run.

This very connection is at the root of all effective communication.

So, a key question for all of us is: When presented an opportunity to be a leader who shows care for and curiosity about others, rather than assuming we know best for them - or about them - do we? 

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A small example from my own professional life may be useful to share here:

I received an offer to do some work for a company after a series of conversations over the last few months. I was excited about it, and they seemed excited about me. Throughout our conversations, they seemed enthusiastic, if a bit vague, about what exactly the scope and future of my work would be. Nonetheless, I was looking forward to our partnership, which I'd expressed to them.

On receiving a concrete offer for the work and before signing on the dotted line, I asked a couple of specific questions about both the scope of the work as well as about what the path to advancement might look like. Based on those questions, without providing any concrete answers to them in a short conversation we had, they judged that I wouldn't be happy with the work or the organization, and then had a colleague call to quickly rescind the offer saying they'd decided I wouldn't be happy).

I was left wondering what was wrong about what I had asked and bewildered by the abrupt about-face.

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This type of situation happens all the time in organizations, often with much more serious consequences than just a lost work opportunity. It matters not what this organization is or who the people involved are. I won't presume to know their motivations here, and I want to give the benefit of the doubt. I am also sure I have a lesson to learn about how I asked those questions (for the record, I'd still ask them, now even moreso).  

But for our purposes, what does matter is that it's a real example about communication and leadership. 

Three points about this situation are instructive here, all rooted in (a lack of) empathy: 

• First, it's problematic because they made a judgment about my own happiness -- perhaps correctly, and likely, incorrectly. They decided, based on the questions I asked, what would and wouldn't make me feel good about the work in the short and long runs. A judgment that was mine to make, was instead made for me. In other words, they centered themselves in a narrative about me. The opposite of empathy.

• Second, they judged the questions I asked as indicative of my motivations, erroneously. They missed an important opportunity to instead gather more facts, to understand what was motivating me and what was important to me. They missed an opportunity to address the substance of my questions and use them as a chance to clarify their own plans. They didn't seek to understand how I might be feeling or thinking, or how they might convince me to enter into the organization successfully and with a sense of belonging. Instead they chose not to deal with the issue at all. Again, the opposite of empathy.

• Lastly, not having a direct, potentially hard conversation left me with more questions than answers, and cost them an opportunity to build a connection and understanding on both our parts that might be useful in the future, and to set an example of good leadership for people on their team.

An outcome using strong empathy skills would have been:

• To allow me judge what makes me happy in my work, not presuppose it for me

• To seek to understand what was motivating me to ask my questions in the first place, not to pre-judge my motivations

• To try to come to a shared understanding about our shared goals, to attempt to assuage my concerns, and to embrace the work we had talked about doing together over the last few months in a way that set us both up for success, not to avoid finding common ground

• To help me understand directly a different way to think about our work together and why it mattered to them, not to avoid a hard conversation altogether

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The skills around empathy are hard for just about all of us, myself included. And, I know these skills are something that all of us can get better at, especially for those of us who think we are good reads of people (often this mindset is what gets us into trouble, because we assume rather than seek to understand). Mastering empathy skills is especially important as we seek to build increasingly diverse and inclusive organizations.  

TELL ME MORE ABOUT THAT

Mastery of empathy skills is something we can all improve upon, and are what delineate any person in a leadership role from the very best leaders. And thankfully, a new book, Tell Me More About That by Rob Volpe helps us to learn how to get better together. 

In this book, Rob explores empathy and offers 5 steps all of us can take to build our empathy skills and connect with others in more productive ways. The very title of the book hints at the approach we should all take to be better at empathy: to seek to understand.

I had a chance to read an advance copy Tell Me More About That. I found the stories in the book and the conclusions drawn from them incredibly powerful and useful for any leader. Rob's unique approach to flexing our empathy muscles is needed now more than ever as the nature of work is changing, as people seek jobs with more empathetic and curious leaders, and as our politics have become more polarized than ever.  

Check it out, and I bet you'll find a new way to connect with the people in your life in meaningful ways.

Check out...before you check out.

A few weeks ago I shared some ideas on using an effective "check in" for anyone wants to get better at communicating and leading. 

Equally as important, if not more, is a really effective "check-out."  By checking out, I don't mean turning off, zoning out, or putting your focus elsewhere. In fact, what I'm advocating is the exact opposite.

Too often, we end a meeting or a conversation, or finish a big project, and move immediately on to the next thing. On to the next zoom meeting, the next item on the to-do list, or the next initiative.  We miss a really powerful opportunity to really even understand, to see, or process what just happened. It's almost as though we are robots focusing on doing, rather than on really understanding and adjusting. 

We operate in a world where the inertia toward the future, toward "next" and "we're already late" is powerful, and where "more" and "faster" is often rewarded -- at least in the short term.

Yet our brains simply don't have the capacity to keep up. If a conversation was hard or complicated, we need to process what just happened and how we feel. And often we skip doing just that at our own peril.

Too often we need the time to replay, think, understand, process what just happened or what we just heard -- and too often we're just moved on to the next thing. And so we keep operating out of habit and, in a sense, blinded.

We also operate in a world today that's been completely upended, and we're all trying to make sense of the new world of work. The pandemic re-ordered the economy and the ways we work. Our assumptions about how we work and how we connect are up for grabs, and are calling for us to re-think how we operate.

But if we are going to experiment with new ways of communicating at working in a hybrid work environment, we have to get better at knowing how we feel, what's working, and what's not.  In order to evolve how we communicate and lead, we have to get better at stopping to reflect and understand. 

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THE EFFECTIVE CHECK OUT

The effective check-out is a powerful, quick way to put some discipline and structure around internalizing the lessons learned and the feelings around moments big and small in our day-to day work. It is a quick process that allows you not to miss what really counts, to distill important nuggets of wisdom, and to ensure we are continuing to make smart choices -- not just operating out of habit. 

To understand better and communicate more clearly in the future, use an effective "check out." With yourself, with your teams.

Here are a few powerful questions to ask yourself and ask your teams:

• What just happened?

• What did I just learn?

• What should I take away?

• How am I feeling?

• Did that meeting really need to happen?

• Did I need to be there?

• Was the meeting satisfying?

• What's one thing that would have made it better?

• What am I meant to take away from this conversation? Am I supposed to know, to feel, or to do something?

After a job interview, a networking conversation, a 1:1 with your manager, a team project -- any time -- create the habit of a 2-minute check in.  Jot some notes down for yourself. Get together with your team to discuss and listen. Stop and think and listen to what you really took from a conversation.

Two books I've read recently that help us re-think how we are working -- both from an individual and a systemic level:

• Out of Office: The Big Problem and Bigger Promise of Working from Home, by Charlie Warzel and Anne Helen Petersen

• Think Again: The Power of Knowing what you Don't Know, by Adam Grant