EMPATHY. It's a word that we hear a lot these days. Empathy is needed in positions of leadership especially during times of change, like right now, as people are changing jobs in record numbers and as we re-emerge in new ways after two years of the pandemic. Recent research suggests empathy is the most important leadership skill today.
Empathy has many definitions. Emotions researchers and psychologists tend to agree that empathy is an action or set of actions around our ability to recognize, understand, and share the thoughts of others.
In other words, empathy is about the other person. Empathy requires curiosity and care. It requires a capacity not to center ourself in the stories and narratives of others -- especially our colleagues.
We want leaders who seek to understand us, our motivations and desires, and who don't just impute their own understandings, feelings, and motivations onto us. Leaders who seek, rather than assume.
A FAILURE OF EMPATHY (what some refer to as "the empathy crisis") in professional contexts results in outcomes that are often wrong and unproductive. Beyond wasting time and resources, outcomes stemming from a lack of empathy at work are demoralizing and demotivating to colleagues and others, and undermine our ability to find common ground and build trust and connection in the long run.
This very connection is at the root of all effective communication.
So, a key question for all of us is: When presented an opportunity to be a leader who shows care for and curiosity about others, rather than assuming we know best for them - or about them - do we?
___
A small example from my own professional life may be useful to share here:
I received an offer to do some work for a company after a series of conversations over the last few months. I was excited about it, and they seemed excited about me. Throughout our conversations, they seemed enthusiastic, if a bit vague, about what exactly the scope and future of my work would be. Nonetheless, I was looking forward to our partnership, which I'd expressed to them.
On receiving a concrete offer for the work and before signing on the dotted line, I asked a couple of specific questions about both the scope of the work as well as about what the path to advancement might look like. Based on those questions, without providing any concrete answers to them in a short conversation we had, they judged that I wouldn't be happy with the work or the organization, and then had a colleague call to quickly rescind the offer saying they'd decided I wouldn't be happy).
I was left wondering what was wrong about what I had asked and bewildered by the abrupt about-face.
___
This type of situation happens all the time in organizations, often with much more serious consequences than just a lost work opportunity. It matters not what this organization is or who the people involved are. I won't presume to know their motivations here, and I want to give the benefit of the doubt. I am also sure I have a lesson to learn about how I asked those questions (for the record, I'd still ask them, now even moreso).
But for our purposes, what does matter is that it's a real example about communication and leadership.
Three points about this situation are instructive here, all rooted in (a lack of) empathy:
First, it's problematic because they made a judgment about my own happiness -- perhaps correctly, and likely, incorrectly. They decided, based on the questions I asked, what would and wouldn't make me feel good about the work in the short and long runs. A judgment that was mine to make, was instead made for me. In other words, they centered themselves in a narrative about me. The opposite of empathy.
Second, they judged the questions I asked as indicative of my motivations, erroneously. They missed an important opportunity to instead gather more facts, to understand what was motivating me and what was important to me. They missed an opportunity to address the substance of my questions and use them as a chance to clarify their own plans. They didn't seek to understand how I might be feeling or thinking, or how they might convince me to enter into the organization successfully and with a sense of belonging. Instead they chose not to deal with the issue at all. Again, the opposite of empathy.
Lastly, not having a direct, potentially hard conversation left me with more questions than answers, and cost them an opportunity to build a connection and understanding on both our parts that might be useful in the future, and to set an example of good leadership for people on their team.
An outcome using strong empathy skills would have been:
To allow me judge what makes me happy in my work, not presuppose it for me
To seek to understand what was motivating me to ask my questions in the first place, not to pre-judge my motivations
To try to come to a shared understanding about our shared goals, to attempt to assuage my concerns, and to embrace the work we had talked about doing together over the last few months in a way that set us both up for success, not to avoid finding common ground
To help me understand directly a different way to think about our work together and why it mattered to them, not to avoid a hard conversation altogether
___
The skills around empathy are hard for just about all of us, myself included. And, I know these skills are something that all of us can get better at, especially for those of us who think we are good reads of people (often this mindset is what gets us into trouble, because we assume rather than seek to understand). Mastering empathy skills is especially important as we seek to build increasingly diverse and inclusive organizations.
TELL ME MORE ABOUT THAT
Mastery of empathy skills is something we can all improve upon, and are what delineate any person in a leadership role from the very best leaders. And thankfully, a new book, Tell Me More About That by Rob Volpe helps us to learn how to get better together.
In this book, Rob explores empathy and offers 5 steps all of us can take to build our empathy skills and connect with others in more productive ways. The very title of the book hints at the approach we should all take to be better at empathy: to seek to understand.
I had a chance to read an advance copy Tell Me More About That. I found the stories in the book and the conclusions drawn from them incredibly powerful and useful for any leader. Rob's unique approach to flexing our empathy muscles is needed now more than ever as the nature of work is changing, as people seek jobs with more empathetic and curious leaders, and as our politics have become more polarized than ever.
Check it out, and I bet you'll find a new way to connect with the people in your life in meaningful ways.