Conquering Negative Self Talk is the Key to Unblocking your Communication

Negative self-talk is one of the most powerful inhibitors to good communication, and it’s entirely within our control.

You might not think about it much, but we are constantly talking to ourselves. Not in words, per se, but in the narratives we each create in our minds about everyday situations. Those narratives have the power to shape and change your life in dramatic ways.

As I talk about in my book Honestly Speaking, conquering this negative self talk is the key to unblocking how you communicate. Simply recognizing when it happens, stepping back, and ob­serving it rather than following its every twist and turn can re­ally help you be clear about what your overall, bigger purpose is and how you should communicate with your audience.

Self-talk is automatic—our minds love to develop negative or defeating narratives. But the good news, is we can over-ride those tendencies and improve how we communicate simply by shifting our own internal narratives. Listening to that talk track and then simply putting it aside can work wonders in all kinds of situ­ations so you see more clearly the factors in front of you and how to communicate with others around you.

If it’s not automatic or easy for you to do (and this is hard for me and just about everyone I know) here are a few ways you can think about taming your own negative self-talk and communicating with more confidence and clarity:

• Notice your knee-jerk reactions to situations, par­ticularly ones where you are challenged. Are you quick to find a reason to shoot down people’s opin­ions? Are you constantly interrupting people and not letting them finish their train of thought? Instead of listening, are you searching for the next thing to say?

• Develop a forward-thinking mindset in a way that feels authentic to you. For some people this will mean writing in a gratitude journal, and for others this will mean incorporating some sort of meditation into their daily routine or constantly reminding them­selves that going to a negative space isn’t serving them in any way. Lots of books, like The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg, show us that one positive change can reverberate in other parts of your life. I talked about journaling daily in an earlier chapter, and the sim­ple act of writing out my thoughts about work and challenges with projects opened up entire new, richer, more authentic ways of connecting with people in a variety of aspects of my life.

• Give yourself the gift of grace by allowing yourself to make, correct, and move on from mistakes. No one is perfect all the time, and you are no exception. Some days you’ll be better at positivity than others, and that is okay. The good news is that you have each and every day of your life to improve upon this.

• When in doubt, listen with curiosity and an open mind. Yes, I’m saying this again, because it’s really that important. When you find yourself spiraling into neg­ative self-talk about yourself, the people in your life, or your situation, stop and listen. Don’t do anything beyond that. The simple act of listening will open up your perspective and allow for more understanding, empathy, and compassion, which will in turn make all your communications more rewarding and fruitful.

This article is an adapted from Honestly Speaking: How the Way We Communicate Transforms Leadership, Love, and Life, published this month.

Best Practices for Communicating in Hard Work Situations

Many of the challenges we face at work come from the difficulty we have communicating our ideas effectively and being heard effectively by others we work with.

In crisis communications as much as in strategy reviews and performance conversations, how you communicate is often as important as what you do.

At work, more than in most other contexts, making sure you’re on the same page and aligned with the same strategy, goals, and outcomes is super important. It’s critical to ensure you’re as successful and efficient as possible, but also so you find the meaning in work we all know motivates us to keep doing the work we do.

As I talk about in Honestly Speaking: How the Way We Communicate Transforms Leadership, Love, and Life, shifting slightly how you communicate when situations are challenging can transform how you lead and how you work.

But how do you make such a shift? During a crisis or when it’s unclear what the next step should be, how do you make sure you’re aligned, making smart decisions, and that people perceive you as being control and that you care? I’ve seen these strategies work across the board, from big tech companies to smaller nonprofits, because they have all realized the direct correlation between healthy communication and a successful business.

Some of the best practices I’ve seen include: 

• Writing things out. Making writing things out a regular discipline is helpful in all kinds of ways. The author Flannery O’Connor famously said, “I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.” This is true for many of us. Giving yourself the space to write out a problem will give you the chance to work through any emotions surrounding it and get to the real root of what is wrong and how to fix it. This is why therapists encourage journaling: because getting things out of your head and onto paper is a great way to reflect in a safe, nonjudgmental fashion, and will likely make your communication with others about the issue more productive. When you put pen to paper, the ideas in your head become concrete. Building the discipline of putting your ideas onto paper can force clarity and alignment and help you zero in on areas of conflict or disagreement. In the law, there’s a saying that “the opinion writes itself”—which refers to the idea that, as they write opinions on complex issues, the conclusions of judges shift and evolve through the discipline of making the abstract concrete. Especially at work, if you’re struggling to agree on a particular issue or project, write it out. This makes sure everyone has a chance to react and get on, well, the same page. 

• Focusing on process. When we are invested in our work, it’s only natural that we will take the results of our work personally. In some ways, this is great. We should all feel like the work we do matters and care deeply about our impact. But when conflicts arise, and they will, it’s easy to let those emotions cloud our ability to problem-solve. Often we become defensive or, when presented with negative feedback, look for a problem in the person delivering the feedback. When communicating about an issue, compartmentalize and segment. Identify what is going well, what isn’t, and how to fix those things. Identify and agree on the issues you’re talking about, and go one by one. There are tons of books about how to navigate feedback. One I especially like is Thanks for the Feedback by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen.

• Agreeing to disagree. No matter how much we’d love to convince everyone to see things our way, sometimes they won’t. And that is okay. Being able to agree to disagree and then let the issue go is imperative to a healthy work environment. If an issue arises and you’re unable to move on, then you will need to go back to the all-important task of self-reflection. What is really bothering you? Are you simply bored or frustrated you haven’t gotten your way? Do you have a pattern of quitting a job in a rage every time things get hard? Know when to move on—and be careful to determine whether a sticking point is critical to moving forward in your job or just an argument you’re trying to win. 

• Focusing on the bigger picture. It is really easy to get wrapped around the axle in situations where work is challenging. It can be tempting to make gossiping and venting a part of your day, no matter how unhealthy it is to the work culture. But the most successful teams don’t let this happen. They are self-aware enough to know that behind one problem at work, another one arises. At its core, your job is about problem-solving, and your career will hopefully be a long one. So focus on what matters: the relationships you’re building and the path you’re setting for yourself and your future. 

• Responding quickly and directly. There’s usually a golden hour right after a crisis happens, especially in a social media environment. You should immediately ask yourself: “What would a reasonable person say here?” And then say it. This allows you to control the narrative and be seen as honest and empathetic. If you don’t know, say you don’t know. But leaving charges leveled against you or against others, or silence after something goes wrong, only allows others to develop stories about you, and it’s a lot harder to change people’s perceptions once they’re made. Balance not overreacting and not focusing too much on outrage. Being measured and thoughtful inspires confidence and empathy for your position. 

• Speaking slowly. Especially if you’re in a role where speaking is a big part of your job or you must repeat the same thing often (like a teacher, a clerk, a nurse, or a server), it’s super important to discipline yourself to speak slowly so the audience hears you. You’ll likely have a tendency to speak quickly because you know the recipe or the instructions by heart. But most people you’re speaking to are just hearing it for the first time—and since it’s not about what you say but about how they hear what you say, it’s your job to make sure they are hearing you. Make it seem like you’re telling each person for the first time. Turn off the autopilot and engage directly with people.

This article is excerpted from Honestly Speaking: How the Way We Communicate Transforms Leadership, Love, and Life to be released July 30 2019, available for pre-order now.

Improving How You Communicate in Life's Hardest Situations

It might not seem this way, but we don’t communicate enough. Sure, we have thousands of channels through which to communicate TO one another, and for many of us it feels like we are saturated day in and day out with news, text messages, and email. We are! But that’s not the communication I’m talking about. 

In fact, I think that all this one-way communication we have come to rely on makes it even more important to prioritize authentic connections with the people in our personal lives.

As I talk about about in Honestly Speaking: How the Way We Communicate Transforms Leadership, Love, and Life, looking to find common ground with others especially when situations are stressful or contentious will help you get your ideas across better and get to the outcome you seek more quickly.

Your social media posts will be missed or misunderstood. Your lack of response on email or to a text message could be taken any number of ways, no matter what your intentions might have been. You will have to have very hard conversations. That is life, and there is nothing we can do to avoid it. 

My best advice for when those situations arise (or when you seek out these opportunities for authentic connection with the people in your life) is to come from a place of inquiry. 

Be curious about the situation, and try to stand back as an impartial observer. This will allow you to be more genuine. Here are some questions you can ask yourself to help guide you: 

What do I want in this situation? What am I scared might happen? What’s the worst that could happen? What’s my ideal outcome? 

• Am I avoiding or ignoring, and why?

• What is the other person thinking? What words would they use to describe me based on how I’ve been speaking and acting toward them?

• What could I say or do to show the other person that I’ve been respectful toward them? To make them feel heard?

• What are two or three different ways I could say the same thing?

• Have I apologized in an honest and direct way? Have I taken ownership of how I might be perceived to the other person?

The benefits of this sort of genuine self-reflection are enormous. Genuine empathy and honest dialogue are the cornerstones of any relationship, whether it’s just beginning or has lasted years. 

Putting these communications practices into use will, more than anything else, change the dynamics of your relationships for the better. The ramifications of this are endlessly positive for you. 

This article is excerpted from Honestly Speaking: How the Way We Communicate Transforms Leadership, Love, and Life to be released July 2019, available for pre-order now.

Developing and Using a Powerful Personal Narrative

In professional contexts and increasingly in personal ones, especially social media and dating sites, it’s become important to have a personal narrative. In a time of Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube, younger generations are becoming really good at developing a personal brand or a personal narrative. It’s something that’s required of everybody, because of how we consume and share information about others.

As I talk about in my book, Honestly Speaking: How the Way We Communicate Transforms Leadership, Love, and Life developing and sharing a compelling personal narrative is one of the most important aspects of modern communication that we all need to be good at.

How we think of ourselves and present ourselves can make us compelling for a new job or attractive to a new partner, and it can confirm—or run afoul of—people’s perceptions of us.  But it’s often uncomfortable for people to talk about themselves because they feel boastful and self-promotional. Despite the discomfort, it’s critical today. It’s also really important to be able to talk about yourself in a way that feels authentic and gets across the key aspects of yourself in certain contexts. 

Most importantly:

Make sure that your narrative matches both reality and what you put on professional networking sites and dating apps.

Never lie about yourself. But keep in mind—you are much more than the sum of your experiences and accomplishments. You are how you feel, how you show up, and what you do based on those experiences.

Going one step further in drawing conclusions and weaving a story about your experiences for your potential partner or manager helps them get a better sense of who you are.

Experiences grouped together by theme or by learning are way more effective than a long list of jobs and company names.

Creating a narrative out of a handful of experiences requires that you answer a couple of questions:

• What are the one or two common aspects of all the different jobs you’ve had?

• In one or two sentences, what motivated the moves and decisions you’ve made that led you to this point?

For example, I have a pretty diverse professional background—I studied political science and international security in college but had been really interested in journalism; I worked in political communications and then went to law school; in law school I focused on policy and government more than the traditional practice of law; after law school I worked at a foundation and then a nonprofit and taught a college course on nonprofits and advocacy. When I talk about my own narrative at work, the two common threads I point out through those experiences are that I have become good at distilling complex ideas in simple ways for different audiences, and I’ve always focused on being a good manager and leader. 

Focusing less on the job title and more on what you learned in each job and their similarities helps develop a common thread through various experiences.

Focusing less on providing a chronological list of actions or accomplishments and more on a theme or two that unites them is more compelling and often comes across less as bragging—and is therefore more comfortable for us to share. Do not name-drop as much as you talk about substance. Degrees, institutions, and names matter far less than what you’ve done and who you are. 

Have a short, medium, and longer version of the same narrative. Start by creating the longer version, and then cut.

Boil it down to its essence—what are the one, two, or three points that you think really encapsulate you and your experience? If you keep those as your north star, you’ll always be able to run through them in a thirty-second conversation at a cocktail party, in a two-minute talk on a panel, or during a longer-form interview.

Finally, a few specific tips on creating a narrative or story about yourself: 

• Ask for specific feedback from people you trust. 

• Keep it short and direct. Don’t feel the need to list every accomplishment. 

• Never say something that’s untrue. Ever. Only take credit for your own work. But take credit for work you did, even if it was part of a team.

• Don’t lose an opportunity to be open, honest, and a little vulnerable. Trying to appear perfect or hide imperfections makes you seem insecure and unrelatable. We all have flaws, and it makes your narrative unrealistic to go out of your way to conceal them. 

• Smile. In photos on dating websites and professional networking sites, a smile conveys accessibility and confidence. Studies have shown it’s a key part of executive presence and is attractive in mates.

This article is adapted from the forthcoming Honestly Speaking: How the Way We Communicate Transforms Leadership, Love, and Life due out in July 2019.

What I Learned about Coaching by Learning to be a Coach

I recently completed my certification in coaching through the Hudson Institute of Coaching.

Being a Certified Hudson Institute Coach isn't an accomplishment or honor I take lightly. The work of coaching is important and meaningful, more than any other work I could imagine doing (does it really get any more important or meaningful than helping someone be the best version of themselves they can be?). 

I've seen the transformative power coaching can have. The return on investment, whichever way you measure it, is significant -- for companies, teams, and for individuals in all aspects of their lives.  It was in my own case too.

Getting the certification was a yearlong journey of a lot of learning, in some ways akin to getting a Master's Degree — both a subject and in myself.

There are many different ways to be trained and hold yourself out as a coach. I chose the Hudson Institute because it's widely respected and known to be rigorous so I knew the learning would be both deep and broad, the work would be hard, and it would take a of commitment. It did, and then some. I also chose the Hudson Institute because it's a learning community of accomplished, curious, kind, and supportive people.

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I want to share a ten key learnings and reflections about coaching and about my approach from that program:

1. Coaching is not about fixing. It's not remedial. It's not mentoring or telling or advice-giving. It's about partnering, learning, creating awareness, and about crafting change in way that matters most to the client and the systems in which she or he operates. In coaching we are trying to help the client to see themselves, seeing what arises for them, helping them to see what they don't see and what patterns in their way of being they might not see.

2. It's not about you, it's about the client. Often, with friends, family or others, our instinct is to teach, fix, offer advice, to rescue, to help. Especially in the contemporary work environment, we often seek the quick fix. But coaching is about partnering, creating an opportunity for the client to do their best work and to really look carefully at themselves and how others perceive them, and to imagine what it might be like for them to make a shift in some behavior or way of being. Going slow to go fast. If you're teaching or giving advice, you are imposing your own individual story on theirs, and you're not letting them own their own aspirational future. The best coaches believe the client is infinitely resourceful.

3. Change is hard, and…. Change is incremental, and often it requires doing inner work on yourself to understand your own motivations, thought patterns and feelings in order to do the outer work of changing behaviors and how people perceive you.  In coaching, we use models, maps and tools to help us with this, but change is really about reflection and hard work. So the partnership between the coach and the person being coached is critical, and the willingness of the client to do the hard work is important and something to be respected.

4. Awareness is self-correcting. When you're aware of of something, when you notice things -- behaviors, reactions, emotions -- it gives you choice.  And when you have choice, you can make change and grow. 

5. Silence is powerful. We all tend to talk a lot, and loudly. In coaching, we ask a lot of questions. We aim to build trust for partnership and to challenge, to create awareness, to design action plans and steps for change. But, silence can be very powerful and gives people the space they need to think through, process, and to be honest with themselves. You should only speak or ask a question if it improves upon silence. And the more you talk, the more you'll be surprised by what you say. So if you let the client speak and resist the urge to speak yourself, that's when the real learning begins.

6. Who you are is how you coach. One of the great things about coaching is that you get to draw on all of the knowledge, experience, skills, and judgment you have developed in your own life, combine it with some frameworks and models, mix in some curiosity and empathy, and you have your own unique way of coaching others. It's that special blend that makes you uniquely valuable and helpful as a partner to individuals and organizations.

7. Sorting your own shit out first makes you a far better coach because you get out of your own way.  We all have growing we can do, we all get into our own heads. But learning about what triggers you, what your own habits are, how you're perceived by others, how you experience others puts you in a far better, more curious, less knowing, and confident place as a coach. During the last year, I personally worked a lot during the last year on leading more with my heart, leaning less hard into conversations, and prioritizing better the energy I was putting into people and other obligations. Finding more balance in myself, being more truly and fully myself rather than trying to be what I thought others expected of me, is a relief, and opens up so much possibility to do my best work and build my best relationships.

8. A leader's job is to enliven power in others. This is one of my key learnings about how leaders lead. A conductor in an orchestra is the only musician who doesn't make a sound. Her power comes from the ability to awaken and enliven the power in other musicians. So too in any other context.

9. The wisdom of our bodies is unmatched. Think of that "sinking feeling" or that tense feeling you get when you get stressed. When we listen to our bodies and actually pay attention, it teaches us so much about ourselves and our environment, yet too often we don’t even pay attention.

10. Meaningful work means constant, continual learning. Coaching isn't just about mastering frameworks. It's about curiosity and constant learning from our own experience and those around us to move through the world with more intention, attention, and to practice what we want to improve on. Learning means practice, patience, persistence. 

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Hard work doesn't feel hard if you're part of a learning community and you are curious about the world around you. Getting my Hudson certification involved hundreds of hours of in-class learning, virtual learning, scores of hours of coaching and being coached, coaching labs, taped reviews, in person reviews, reading, writing, and exam-taking. But more importantly, it involved a lot of self-learning and self-reflection. And some wonderful, deep connections with people that will fill me up and last a lifetime.

In short, I learned a lot about how to help others be their best selves, and in the process, I learned more about myself than I ever thought would be possible.

Jacks-and-Jills of All Trades Lead More Innovative Companies

Companies that innovate the best are run by leaders, across teams, across disciplines, who are generalists. They bring a wealth of experiences and perspectives that stretch, expand learning edges, and widen the aperture of the lens we view challenges and opportunities through.

Recent studies have shown that Jack-and-Jills of all trades are the masters of effective leadership, as highlighted in this recent article in the Financial Times, “The hidden benefits of hiring Jacks and Jills of all trades.”

Companies that hire people with diverse experiences and backgrounds, who have worked in multiple domains, innovate and lead the best.

On The Cult of Productivity - and Finding More Meaning

So much of tech culture, which is increasingly pervasive in businesses across industries and geographies, rewards a relentless focus on productivity and work and hustle. Covered today in “Why are Young People Pretending to Love Work?" in the New York Times.

Hustle and productivity are a means to an end, not the end. You can work hard but let it be about something bigger and more virtuous. Let’s stop bragging about work and hustle.

Let persistent productivity and what you truly love be more about generosity and integrity.

That’s where the value is, and where the real meaning is. That’s what the best leaders cultivate in their teams.

Introducing LEADERSHIP LABS -- a new way to develop as a leader

We are pleased to share a new, specialized series of interactive learning workshops — LEADERSHIP LABS — focused on the core competencies all leaders need to learn, practice and use.

These are not just trainings, but laboratories where leaders can come together in small groups to learn some frameworks, practice using them, work through challenges and problems in real time, and get better at the nuts and bolts of good leadership.

Leadership isn’t just developed through a moment in time, or a one-time seminar. Leadership is practiced and honed over time. These LEADERSHIP LABS are opportunities to practice, to learn, to experiment in a safe space and to get real-time feedback from experts in various areas of the practical aspects of leading a team or an organization.

The first ones will be held in San Francisco in February 2019, focused on leadership communications. Two sessions, for two types of leaders. Check it out and sign up if you’re interested. Look out for more of them coming soon!

Leadership and Management Skills Highly In-Demand in 2019

People management skills — leading with purpose, managing conflict, motivating teams to keep doing work work — is one of the most critical skills in any work place today. Not only are they important, but they are in-demand.

Employers across industries see these leadership skills as one of the five most in-demand Hard Skills according to LinkedIn’s annual 2019 Most Promising Jobs of 2019.

Organizations and leaders who focus on cultivating organizations and cultures through effective management, empowering employees to learn and grow, and lead inclusive, open, diverse organizations thrive in the competitive marketplace for talent and ideas.

Check out Azure Leadership Group’s LEADERSHIP LABS — our first ones are in San Francisco in February focused on leadership communications. Sign up and join us!

Having a Healthier Relationship with Social Media in 2019

If you're reading this, you're probably in some form or another, a creature of social media. It's a core part of how we interact and connect and just simply ARE everyday. Yet increasingly, it's a source of anxiety and frustration for many of us. Some, to the point that we throw in the towel or get off of it all together.

At the root of this is that many of us are looking for ways to take more responsibility both for what we allow into our lives as much as what we put out into the world.

So I want to share a few thoughts on how to do just that, and to have a healthier relationship with social media (and yes, it may mean less time online and more time in real life).

First, recognize that it's A medium, not THE medium -- it's one of many tools for communicating and for living your life. It's a means, but by no means the ONLY means, for connecting. So you should use it accordingly. It's meant to be a tool, not a replacement, for social interactions.

Second, it's inherently social. It's a two-way or multi-way conversation. It’s a way of interacting. That means no press releases, no broadly directed, vague verbal vomit out to the universe. It means not complaining just to complain, or venting with out any intention of taking meaningful action. It means engaging with others online in ways that are respectful, funny and honest, not bullying, harassing or about a race to the bottom. Be having the types of conversation you want to see in the world.

Third, your life matters offline more than it does online. The big moments and the small ones -- even if you don't post about it or share about. That thing really DID, actually, probably happen even if you don't post about it on Instagram or Twitter or Facebook. You're relevant -- you really do matter -- even if you don't comment or weigh in on every thread.

Fourth, be someone who distinguishes between fake and real. Sometimes it's hard, but sometimes it's way easier than you might realize with just the smallest amount of thought and common sense. Don't be that person who contributes more of what's fake. Don’t keep contributing a polished, sanitized, untrue version of yourself. Take off the mask, stop with the presentations, and just engage as you would in real life — maybe a little more open, a little less perfect, a little more vulnerable, a little less constructed. Be honest about who and what you are “liking” — really honest — and why.

Fifth, less is more, fewer is better, simpler is richer. Dial down the noise, dial up the quality content. One way to do this: have a distinct point of view, or clear purpose that you use social media for. Rather than it documenting everything you do on the weekend or treating every moment in your life as a scrapbook to share with yourself and the world online, maybe just create the scrapbook for yourself and instead consider what you put into the world. Have a point of view or a purpose for what you share and why.

Last, know your triggers. Think about what triggers you and bothers you online...and then unfollow them. Don't engage. Limit your access. Just turn those accounts off. It's a free service, and the brilliance of these platforms and their algorithms is they are tools that help you connect with more that should provide meaning. If you don't like something don't let it into your life.

If we all try to be a little more purposeful, intentional, and thoughtful about how we give out "likes" and comments, about the pictures and videos we share and what we say, and importantly, what we let into our own lives, you'll get way more out of these tools. It may mean spending less time each day passively riding along...but more time actively participating and showing up.