Happy New Year! For many of us, the start of a new year is a time of reflection and intention-setting. Whether setting resolutions for the year ahead or coming up with a set of self-reflection questions or standards we set for ourselves and our teams, the practice of taking a step back and checking in with our lives and our work on a big scale is a powerful life skill and an effective communication tool.
This practice is useful when it's done on a more granular level, and more regularly, too. The practice of a regular check-in is a powerful tool any leader can - and should -- use, both for ourselves and for the teams we work with.
I start every coaching session and every workshop I lead by asking, "How are you feeling today? What are one or two words that describe how you're showing up to our session today?"
Simply checking in -- asking yourself and your teams "How are you feeling today?" -- gives us a lot of useful information:
First, it lets me know how my audience is doing. What's the mindset and the approach most people in my audience are bringing before we dive into this meeting or this presentation? If everyone is feeling stressed and tired, I might calibrate the timing and content of my message so as not to add to the stress, and to make sure people know that as I leader I care about them and want to help them feel good about being at work. If everyone is excited and enthusiastic, that might require a different way of engaging.
Second, the check-in data lets me know how *I* am doing. The way we communicate, and the ways we show up as leaders, are colored significantly by our own feelings and emotions. If I am excited and well rested I am likely to come across differently than if I am distracted, worried or anxious. Knowing how I am feeling helps me calibrate for myself what I say, when, and how. Being honest with oneself about how you're showing up makes you far better at communicating and leading with confidence.
Third, regularly checking in builds the muscle memory in our brains. It helps us and our teams make better moment-to-moment choices, recalibrate and be more nimble and responsive to each other, and it normalizes a sense of vulnerability and openness. The more we are able to be honest with ourselves and each other about how we're doing, the easier it is over time to communicate with confidence, authenticity, and clarity.
And last, regularly checking in is a means of showing care for those we work with. At a time when many people are leaving jobs and managers because of a culture where they feel over-worked and under-appreciated, this is a great, low-stakes way of keeping a good, regular pulse on how our team is doing. If everyone is always tired and distracted, that's different than if most people are generally present and happy, with the occasional day of being stressed or tired. Having a view over time helps us to be in better touch with our team and how we are feeling, and to calibrate how we communicate far more effectively.
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CAVEAT: One big challenge to checking in well: most of us were not raised in a way where we were taught to be comfortable talking about our emotions, and especially not in the workplace. In fact most of us don't have a wide or deep vocabulary with which to talk about our emotions. In fact, in a recent Unlocking Us podcast, emotions researcher and author Brené Brown shared that her own research of more than 7000 adults showed that most could name just three emotions: happy, sad, pissed off.
Yet, when we have the language to describe our emotions and experiences, it's empowering. Since language is the shared basis for how we communicate -- how we find common ground with, and understand each other -- the better we get at naming our emotions, the more likely we are to find ourselves in a place of choice and are able to relate and communicate more effectively. And we are better able to find compassion and empathy for -- to simply relate better -- to those we work with.
Four resources I love for helping increase our emotional vocabulary:
Basic: The Feelings Wheel: Specific words arrayed in a wheel that describe the nuance of feelings, organized around the 7 basic emotional states: happy, sad, disgusted, angry, fearful, bad, surprised.
Slightly less basic: Honestly Speaking: Self reflection is the basis for effective communication, and includes specific exercises and a communication situation grid to help us formulate how to communicate based on how we and our audiences are feeling.
More advanced: Atlas of the Heart, Brene Brown: An in-depth look at 87 emotions and experiences common to the human experience, and a framework for cultivating meaningful connection.
Even more advanced: Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, John Koenig: A creative dictionary that defines common emotions in new words that we haven't previously had English words for.
So as we dive into 2022, how might you check in with yourself and your teams? What might you learn about yourself, your colleagues, and what do you notice over time?
Let me know how I can support you.