Having Hard Conversations About Race

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Real social change starts with changing hearts and minds, usually among those we're closest to in life.

Beyond the protests, the donations, the bold to bland public statements, the sharing and re-tweeting on social media, real change around racial injustice starts like it almost always does -- at the dinner table and around the water cooler, via personal conversations.

Many of us, especially those of us who are White, are starting to have more live conversations with relatives, family, friends and co-workers. These conversations can often be with those who hold dissimilar views to our own, at home, over zoom, and at work, and so they are really hard. They are hard because we have to confront our own feelings and learning as well as those of others. These conversations are in some ways far harder than showing up for a protest or making a donation -- yet they are important for all of us to have.

Disagreements can turn into arguments, conversations can turn into yelling, rational thoughts can be overcome by powerful emotions. And, it's in these conversations with people you know, love, and trust can start to change minds, and when you can un-learn racism together.

It is possible to change someone's mind -- your own anti-racism evolution is proof.  Dialogue is important when it comes to race, especially when it's white people educating other white people about these issues.  

Here are some ways to consider engaging in hard conversations about race to keep the dialogue going, productive, and to help translate the talk into meaningful positive action:

1. Be clear on your purpose and expectations

Think about this as a process or a journey, not a box you check. These are ongoing conversations, likely not resolved in a single setting. So be clear and honest with yourself about what your goal is. The goal probably is more to plant a seed of doubt that will grow and evolve over time, not to get radical change in a single conversation. 

Be clear about whether your purpose is to argue or to debate. Starting with a smaller goal of getting your family member or friend to question a single long-held belief or bias -- maybe one they didn't even know they had about affirmative action, cultural appropriation, voting, for example --  can be the right step in a longer journey. 

Lastly, making a clear distinction about intent versus impact.  Few, if any of us, believe we ARE racist. What we mean is that we don't INTEND to be racist. But sometimes our actions have the IMPACT of harming someone based on race, even if we didn't intend it, or understand it. Remember that this is a system we are all a part of, and that racism really isn't about you. 

2. Set the right tone, be curious

It's important to focus on the overall goal. As I talk about in Honestly Speaking, being aware of your audience and your purpose is paramount any time you communicate, especially when communicating about hard things. Here, we want to focus on the information we communicate more than our own feelings. Be thoughtful of how you come across, the posture you assume when entering a conversation. Approaching it from a place of curiosity and collaboration, rather than telling other people how to talk about racism -- will go a long way. When talking to Black people, don't tell them how to talk about their own oppression "tone policing" or have to have an opinion or fact to share in response to every comment and conversation "white-splaining."

The focus should be listening, and doing the work of talking to other white colleagues and family in a way that ensures they hear what you want them to hear. Two ways to do that: (a) set some ground rules and boundaries to be respected in having these conversations, and (b) keep asking questions. Embody an approach of curiosity. Make it feel safe for other people to ask questions -- so they know they can engage in the conversation. If you feel like you aren't getting through, keep asking "Why do you think that is?" or "What's behind that assumption or that fact?"

3. Listen

This is something we all could do a lot more of almost all the time. Active listening -- listening to learn, not just to respond -- is super important. Sometimes the questions others ask are as important as the statements they share -- and what they don't say is as important as what they do. Listen to observe and to understand. This doesn't mean abandoning your point of view, but it means being interested in others' experiences and perspectives. 

4. Share your own stories of privilege, your own missteps, your own learning

Sharing your own story, your own learning and evolution makes it more about using your evolution as an example that might be useful to someone else, rather than a lecture or telling someone how to be. Using language like "I used to believe X, and then I learned Y and now I feel it's important to do Z" is a good way to learn and be clear yourself, and in so doing, to teach others.  Just like any real discipline -- the best way to really learn something is by teaching it.  

This especially applies to sharing stories of times where you screwed up, got it wrong, and when you explain why what you did or said was wrong. Being vulnerable is a strength.  It normalizes failure and growth. Not only in your own evolution on a hard issue, but in evolving the conversation and making it easier for others to explore their own growth and failure.

5. Keep learning 

It's ok and likely that you won't have all the answers.  Expand the places where you get information -- not just CNN, FOX, and Social Media.  Turn them off, and pick up something else.

If people are already resistant to protesting, or reading entire books on racism, simply sharing a long list of resources won't work. Shorter essays, podcasts, videos can be easier ways to engage and discuss after.  Watching together is something to do together and the mere activity itself helps you find common ground. (I've included a few below).

And lastly, get some space. Know when it's time to take a break. To hit the pause button.  In December I shared some thoughts around managing difficult dinner conversations around the holidays, and the concept is the same here: when emotions are running high and stress levels are high, taking a break and getting some broader perspective and context is 50 percent of managing hard conversations. The less physically agitated you are the better you are at not having emotions cloud what you're saying and what you're hearing.

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On May 30, I shared some thoughts on how to communicate about racism, and have organized several virtual workshops on the same topic. They’ve been very rich conversations and I'm happy to do more of these -- let's talk. 

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A few shorter resources to learn more