Everybody has difficult conversations — at work and at home. Often these conversations are hard because they are personal and because our brains are wired to feel strong, protective emotional reactions to conflict. But, the good news is we can re-wire our brains with a little bit of focus, and with the right intention. Here’s how:
6 Steps to make Difficult Conversations More Effective
Start with your Motivations -- ask yourself what you really want? What do you really fear? What’s really bothering you? Positive motivations are learning, finding truth, getting results, cultivating connection. Negative motivations are trying to win, be right, to blame or punish or embarrass, or to avoid.
Recognize your own narrative. Every person’s brain develops their own narrative or story about a person or situation. We all have them, we all carry them around with us. Recognize and know yours. Separate out the facts from opinions, and see how what you see or hear immediately turns into a story that immediately turns into a feeling, that then drives how you act. Separating facts helps clarify your own narrative. Are you seeing yourself as a protagonist or an antagonist? As a victim or a villain? Positive motivation are rooted in facts and shared understanding; negative motivations are rooted in stories, assumptions and narratives about other people and situations (which often aren’t realistic).
Make it feel safe for others. Start from a place of respect. Make sure to clarify your intent and your connection with the other person -- connection over content. People get defensive when they perceive negative intent. Notice if someone is being silent or violent -- this is when you’re being less persuasive and more abrasive. SIlence and avoiding only makes things worse. Communication from a place of positive intent allows you talk through and work through your narratives.
Share your goals or your path. State the facts, share your narrative, ask about others narratives, and then converse with the other person. Ask about their story, ask, test assumptions, explore rather than expound.
Make it feel safe for them to share with you, and explore their paths. Make it your goal to understand their point of view. Don’t react right away. When you do, you can find where the narratives match up, where they don’t, and talk through the differences. Thank them for the feedback and for sharing something hard. Mean it. Express gratitude and admiration for what’s going well. Positive feedback is important.
Clarify action and outcomes: Who does what? When? What is a next step? Even if you agree to disagree, what will you do differently? How do you move forward?